It takes courage to initiate important conversations when you fear something might go awry. It takes even more courage when you are met with defensiveness from the receiver. The ability to remain calm and practice interpersonal courage when the other becomes defensive is truly an art and a skill worth cultivating.
A few days ago, during a course on diminishing defensiveness, this issue arose. Some of the questions and the ideas that we discussed follow:
- What do you do when you ask someone to speak with you (the A in AEIOU) and they don't want to? Here are some ideas:
- Tell them what you hope to get from having the conversation and why it is important to you (the E and I in AEIOU).
- Ask them to do it as a favor to you.
- Tell the other person how you feel hearing that they don't want to speak with you.
- Ask the person what their concerns are about having a conversation with you. Not knowing what they might say, this question can be quite courageous.
- Tell them what you hope to get from having the conversation and why it is important to you (the E and I in AEIOU).
- What if you are doing your best to create an environment that is conducive to having an open dialogue (using AEIOU) and the other person gets frustrated and just wants you get on with it?
- Respond empathically letting them know you understand their frustration, and tell them what has been valuable for you about setting the stage well.
- Go to the U of AEIOU even if you're not through obstacles and let the other person know that you will afford them the same respect when they are responding to you and that you would like them to be patient and really listen.
- Tell them how difficult it is to even initiate the conversation since you are not used to doing so, and ask them to be understanding. Let them know that you will move forward as quickly as you can without hurrying.
- Let them know the benefit of getting the obstacles out on the table so you are able to be present with them rather than worry about what might go wrong.
- Respond empathically letting them know you understand their frustration, and tell them what has been valuable for you about setting the stage well.
- What if you say how you feel and they say that they don't care and that it's your problem?
- After taking a deep breath to calm yourself down, you might consider telling this individual how you feel hearing their sentiments in a self-responsible manner such as, “I feel sad and discouraged hearing that you don't want to sit down with me to talk. Even though I am the one who is concerned, since it involves both of us, it would be best if we both worked it out.”
- As difficult as it might be, respond empathically and let the other know that you are interested in having a positive conversation and a positive outcome.
- Tell the person what their statement sounds like to you such as, “Though you may not intend it, when I hear what you say, it sounds as if you don't value our relationship. Is that what you mean to convey?”
- After taking a deep breath to calm yourself down, you might consider telling this individual how you feel hearing their sentiments in a self-responsible manner such as, “I feel sad and discouraged hearing that you don't want to sit down with me to talk. Even though I am the one who is concerned, since it involves both of us, it would be best if we both worked it out.”
Bottom line, regardless of how defensive the other person is, it is incumbent on each of us to do our best to quiet our nervous systems and respond in a manner that diffuses defensiveness and furthers connection, healthy communication, and collaboration.