The Power of Self-Compassion & Building the Positive for Men
The Power of Self-Compassion
& Building the Positive for Men
By: Daniel Ellenberg, Ph.D
While the following article is written specifically for and about men, it may prove useful for women who either identify with aspects of traditional male roles and/or want to better understand and support the boys and men in their lives.
A startling number of guys suffer in silence. They hide their pain, often from even themselves. This covert male suffering is often manifested in numerous ways: Loneliness and/or social-emotional isolation (they’re definitely not going to talk about it); drinking and/or taking drugs to excess; dangerous activities; fits of anger; dissociating from emotions. While most men may not recognize themselves in the more extreme forms of covert male suffering, they can usually see themselves in their reluctance to reach out for connection and emotional support. Certainly, the women in their lives do.
Lots of men experience depression at times. While it’s commonly accepted “science” that women suffer from depression more often and more intensely than men, it’s also true that statistics can conceal more than they reveal. The problem is that, while accurate according to common definitions of depression and the psychological tests that measure depression, these don’t account for the particular ways that males tend to experience and demonstrate depression. This depression is manifested more outwardly through actions or inwardly through emotional withdrawal.
The bottom line is that men tend to suffer alone in the corners and shadows. I’m not suggesting that women don’t suffer greatly. Of course, many do. However, women are much more likely to seek help than men. And men need help. Consider these statistics:
· Men commit suicide four times as often as women
· Men die 4.9 years earlier
· Men are much more likely to be the victims of violence
· Men have higher rates of alcoholism and drug addiction
· Men are more socially isolated
Even without the more extreme manifestations of male behavior, it’s clear that most men feel generally isolated—even with lots of people around.
Those of us versed in male psychology believe that the problems begin early in life; boys are taught to hold their emotions in and “prove” their masculinity. In fact, there’s decades of scientific research with consistent findings: males who learn to rigidly identify with “traditional masculinity ideology,” a term coined by a preeminent thought leader in male psychology Ron Levant, are psychologically and physically less healthy than those less identified. (To be clear, I’m not suggesting that all aspects of how males are conditioned to be masculine are negative.) This ideology includes the belief that showing emotions, particularly softer ones like sadness and fear, makes guys less manly. Indeed, depending on the context, it could make them appear feminine from this paradigm. Boys learn to fear being called a girl early in life; so much so, that they will go to great lengths to avoid this. Think blustery, aggressive defenses.
While playgrounds feel safe and fun to many boys, others can experience them as a threatening, scary place. Bullying is sadly common. Home can even feel like a scary place to some. Stoicism and surliness become survival strategies. The fear of being bullied, shamed or/or worse leads most boys (and men) to not express their vulnerable, authentic human emotions. Instead, their faces become increasingly stoic or even stone like. This emotional shutdown underlies silent suffering—the kind that in its extreme leads to the four-fold difference in male suicide rates.
Most guys have learned that expressing these more vulnerable emotions can lead to abandonment, rejection and/or humiliation. Shame and a general experience of threat act to keep guys mum and enclosed. Sadly, this leads to loneliness and emotional isolation. Some guys have become more aware of the impossible conundrum they face in following the social conditioning to “man up”, “grow a pair”, hold it all in, and strike out or go against this grain and follow a path of courageous openness. For example, speaking vulnerably and openly when they feel disconnected (neither blaming nor self-pitying); earnestly and vulnerably acting on their essential human values that include connection, compassion, and collaboration. This takes courage.
In my almost 40 years of leading men’s groups and workshops as well as coaching and consulting with individual men (in both personal and professional settings), I have found that the most direct route for men to evolve beyond traditional masculinity ideology and develop thriving habits of mind and behavior is through two related, yet distinct sets of practices:
1) Addressing their covert (and overt) suffering by learning to be self-compassionate
2) Building positive emotional muscles through self-acknowledgment and self-appreciation
When practiced in tandem, particularly over time, men experience greater motivation, resilience, and overall life success—including better physical health, relationships, and capacity to just get things done.
It takes courage for men to practice self-compassion because it involves being present with their real pain—actually dealing with their covert suffering; this itself naturally includes emotional vulnerability. Men can take heart and feel assured that their sincere efforts will be rewarded as witnessed through the overwhelming evidence that being self-compassionate is healthier (and stronger) than just “toughing it out” and resisting their painful feelings. Paradoxically, compassionately being with painful feelings does not lead to a hopeless state of feeling stuck but actually frees men to evolve and transform more quickly.
While self-compassion always involves bringing awareness and kindness to yourself when you’re feeling pain, you can focus on building positive emotional muscles when you’re not in pain. This includes focusing on positive aspects of yourself. Some guys need to dig a bit. There’s a big difference between healthy self-acknowledgment and arrogance bordering on narcissism. Guys tend to hide from others the degree to which they are self-critical. They haven’t lived up to some often-unattainable male standard. So, focusing on the ways they respect their worthiness and capabilities can feel very challenging.
Taking healthy self-credit. “Good for me that I focused on this project and did a really good job.” Authentically letting themselves feel the goodness of their actions. This is not arrogance like, “I’m the most awesome guy around.” The practice of savoring the good actually changes the brain. As the old quote goes by neuroscientist Donald Hebbs: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” The practices of self-compassion and taking in the good are major cornerstones to a great, thriving lives.
Guys generally do best when they participate in positive male community; community that supports and honor who they are, while challenging them to grow beyond current limitations. In the supportive environment of men caring for and connecting with each other, men also learn to both honor and appreciate themselves and bring care and kindness to themselves when in pain. The following phrase expresses well a common experience for guys in healthy men’s groups and communities: “I had no idea that guys could be so caring and supportive. I never dreamt that I could trust a group of men so much.”